Someone...Anyone?

Sometimes I ask my self, do I have anyone that is truly a friend? Is it worth lying for that person? Would you die for them? Would they die for you? Is our friendship right? I'm scared of been friends, but I'm more scared of turning in to enemy's, not because I would lose you, more because of all the things I have told you. I'm scared of despairing. I think that if I have someone to talk to I'll be fine. But is it true, that your friend, is truly your friend? Do you know the person? Does the person knows you? I don't mean knowing the person for a long time. I mean knowing the person right, the person he is. Does he lie? Is he honest? Does he trust you? Do you trust him? Do you know he would back you up, when you been treated badly? I had a little situation where I sit and I start thinking. They say they wouldn't change us, but didn't they said that to their old friends? Are they truly meaning it? 

"We will be together" yeah I've heard that before, "Friends forever" that too. Oh and the old but actually always used, "You can trust me, I'm your friend" I know the truth, we change, they change, we all do, but I wish...I just had someone that I know will keep a secret, that I'm not scared of, that's scared of losing me as a friend, that thinks of me like someone incredible, that understands, someone I can laugh with.

I say I do have one already, but do I really. Can I trust you? "yeah" lies! All of it. Sometimes I think that been alone is easier that actually having friends. I'm not who to judged, but I just want to feel, I can be safe, that someone cares, that if I text you, you will answer, if I talk, you'll listen, if I fall you be there by my side, to pick mew up, o just there, but always there no matter what. We all deserve that person don't we. I think I already have on, but I'm scared that, that's just me trying to make my self feeling that someone cares. I don't mean family, I mean someone that is not my blood, but I consider them on of my own. Someone...anyone that would care fro me as much as I do for them.

 

P.S - thanks fro passing by and reading have a wonderful day or a wonderful night.

 

Really, in this event?

Hey...

You know what I just realize. I went around my house and I saw that I have all my cousins in at least one picture, but then I saw something weird. We are missing someone. My youngest cousin, I don't have a picture of her, not even a little one.

And I saw her today, she is 10 years old is going to be 11 this year. I saw here in my grandfathers office, with her mom, and my aunt (well my other aunt) I was coming back from shopping with my grandma. I told her I was going to an event this Saturday 23/may/15, and she said that she wanted to go, and that one of her friends was going to be there. I said, "Yeah why not" but then I realize that I was going to be her babysitter, and sorry, but I'm not up to that. I still love her, she is family, and if she wants to come she can. I just wanted to let her know that I was going to be around people my age and that if I was going to babysitter, she could go far away from me.

 She was going to be hanging out with teenagers from 15 to 17 or maybe 18 and she is just 10, also she has a big attitude, and I really don't want trouble. At the end I couldn't tell her, I told her that she was welcome to come with me and my friend. Even thought I wanted to tell her.

My mom gets home and she ask me why I invited her to the event. I told her because I wasn't going to say no, and she wanted to go. Now is like 10:36pm and I saw my bucket list, that is in the table. I left the #10? with a  question mark on it, because I didn't knew what to put in that one at that time. When I see the number 10 I see that my cousin wrote, "Going on a trip with my cousins" and "Viaje con primas" same but in Spanish. I saw it, and then I started looking for her in one of our pictures around the house and she is not even in one of them, her brother, yes, but not her. I feel bad for her and all. But this is the one event I really like the most.

If she goes, I'll just tell her how it's if your going you can't get away from me. And if you want to buy something to let me know first.(you never know what your buying, and what it means, in this kind of events) I'll see, whatever it happens I'm cool with it, well kind of. It's normal for us at least teenagers. right.

P.S - Thanks for passing by and I'll see you next time. Hope you have a wonderful day and a wonderful night.

Cut's?

Cut's? Why? 

Is easier to...

To what? 

I don't know. Maybe...

 Maybe what? 

I don't know!

You have to know why. Is your body don't do this to it.

Is the only way out.

Out from where? 

From myself, from the darkness in me!

There is another way out.

But is there another way in? 

What do you mean, another way in? 

Sometime you think is to let the pain out. But it also works to feel alive, or to punish yourself.

You don't need to punish yourself for anything. Don't do this, you can talk to me, if you want. I'm here. You don't understand that when you do this, your not just hurting yourself. We worry about you, more that you think. 

This is what's happening in my head lately. Fellings fighting with my brain, and my body. At the end I just cry. Sometimes I don't even know what to do. Am I the crazy one, or this is normal. Who can say what's real, what's not, what's crazy, and what's normal.

Are you ok? 

Yeah. 

Please never ask this. Because me and many peoples answer will be, yes I'm ok. Just because of the facts that OK is part of the word brOKen. 

Is this going to last forever? 

No. Don't worry this is a normal face of your life.

Really, this hurts. 

Yeah I know just hold on. 

I'll try. Do I need help?

Do you need help? 

I think I do. But i won't ask.

Why? 

Because I know I can do this by myself. 

I wish you, the better. Hope your years will be easier. Have a happy life. And remember I love you. And they love you.