Someone...Anyone?

Sometimes I ask my self, do I have anyone that is truly a friend? Is it worth lying for that person? Would you die for them? Would they die for you? Is our friendship right? I'm scared of been friends, but I'm more scared of turning in to enemy's, not because I would lose you, more because of all the things I have told you. I'm scared of despairing. I think that if I have someone to talk to I'll be fine. But is it true, that your friend, is truly your friend? Do you know the person? Does the person knows you? I don't mean knowing the person for a long time. I mean knowing the person right, the person he is. Does he lie? Is he honest? Does he trust you? Do you trust him? Do you know he would back you up, when you been treated badly? I had a little situation where I sit and I start thinking. They say they wouldn't change us, but didn't they said that to their old friends? Are they truly meaning it? 

"We will be together" yeah I've heard that before, "Friends forever" that too. Oh and the old but actually always used, "You can trust me, I'm your friend" I know the truth, we change, they change, we all do, but I wish...I just had someone that I know will keep a secret, that I'm not scared of, that's scared of losing me as a friend, that thinks of me like someone incredible, that understands, someone I can laugh with.

I say I do have one already, but do I really. Can I trust you? "yeah" lies! All of it. Sometimes I think that been alone is easier that actually having friends. I'm not who to judged, but I just want to feel, I can be safe, that someone cares, that if I text you, you will answer, if I talk, you'll listen, if I fall you be there by my side, to pick mew up, o just there, but always there no matter what. We all deserve that person don't we. I think I already have on, but I'm scared that, that's just me trying to make my self feeling that someone cares. I don't mean family, I mean someone that is not my blood, but I consider them on of my own. Someone...anyone that would care fro me as much as I do for them.

 

P.S - thanks fro passing by and reading have a wonderful day or a wonderful night.

 

Really, in this event?

Hey...

You know what I just realize. I went around my house and I saw that I have all my cousins in at least one picture, but then I saw something weird. We are missing someone. My youngest cousin, I don't have a picture of her, not even a little one.

And I saw her today, she is 10 years old is going to be 11 this year. I saw here in my grandfathers office, with her mom, and my aunt (well my other aunt) I was coming back from shopping with my grandma. I told her I was going to an event this Saturday 23/may/15, and she said that she wanted to go, and that one of her friends was going to be there. I said, "Yeah why not" but then I realize that I was going to be her babysitter, and sorry, but I'm not up to that. I still love her, she is family, and if she wants to come she can. I just wanted to let her know that I was going to be around people my age and that if I was going to babysitter, she could go far away from me.

 She was going to be hanging out with teenagers from 15 to 17 or maybe 18 and she is just 10, also she has a big attitude, and I really don't want trouble. At the end I couldn't tell her, I told her that she was welcome to come with me and my friend. Even thought I wanted to tell her.

My mom gets home and she ask me why I invited her to the event. I told her because I wasn't going to say no, and she wanted to go. Now is like 10:36pm and I saw my bucket list, that is in the table. I left the #10? with a  question mark on it, because I didn't knew what to put in that one at that time. When I see the number 10 I see that my cousin wrote, "Going on a trip with my cousins" and "Viaje con primas" same but in Spanish. I saw it, and then I started looking for her in one of our pictures around the house and she is not even in one of them, her brother, yes, but not her. I feel bad for her and all. But this is the one event I really like the most.

If she goes, I'll just tell her how it's if your going you can't get away from me. And if you want to buy something to let me know first.(you never know what your buying, and what it means, in this kind of events) I'll see, whatever it happens I'm cool with it, well kind of. It's normal for us at least teenagers. right.

P.S - Thanks for passing by and I'll see you next time. Hope you have a wonderful day and a wonderful night.

Cut's?

Cut's? Why? 

Is easier to...

To what? 

I don't know. Maybe...

 Maybe what? 

I don't know!

You have to know why. Is your body don't do this to it.

Is the only way out.

Out from where? 

From myself, from the darkness in me!

There is another way out.

But is there another way in? 

What do you mean, another way in? 

Sometime you think is to let the pain out. But it also works to feel alive, or to punish yourself.

You don't need to punish yourself for anything. Don't do this, you can talk to me, if you want. I'm here. You don't understand that when you do this, your not just hurting yourself. We worry about you, more that you think. 

This is what's happening in my head lately. Fellings fighting with my brain, and my body. At the end I just cry. Sometimes I don't even know what to do. Am I the crazy one, or this is normal. Who can say what's real, what's not, what's crazy, and what's normal.

Are you ok? 

Yeah. 

Please never ask this. Because me and many peoples answer will be, yes I'm ok. Just because of the facts that OK is part of the word brOKen. 

Is this going to last forever? 

No. Don't worry this is a normal face of your life.

Really, this hurts. 

Yeah I know just hold on. 

I'll try. Do I need help?

Do you need help? 

I think I do. But i won't ask.

Why? 

Because I know I can do this by myself. 

I wish you, the better. Hope your years will be easier. Have a happy life. And remember I love you. And they love you. 

I care to much:

I know is a bit of a weird theme to talk about but...I have many friends few true once and when I do find one of those true ones. I only want them to have the best in life, and I worry too much about them you could say I become there little guardian angel or devil anything they need in the moment, but always driving them to the good side. And when I lose one of them I freak out and I understand that they don't answer me, but if I try to look for them and no one  knows anything about them I get a bit worried and I act immediately.

Well just giving you an example, I'll tell you what happened to me today…

 I was in my house all day, I went out like 1 time, and it was to go pick up my cousin. Then when I got home I try to talk with a friend. She is one of the few true ones. I try, and try, but she didn’t answer, so I go to my other friend, and ask if she has talk to her today (she is also one of the few ones), and she told me that she try also talking to her, but she didn’t answer to her either. I try with another person he told me that she didn’t answer him either, so I was getting scared by every time everyone told that she didn’t talk to them. I thought maybe she just wants to have her time alone, but I understand if she told someone. Well what happen is that I live literally like 5 minutes away her and that’s walking, so I was making a plan to go see her tomorrow. In that same moment I was thinking going to see her, my aunt comes to my door, and asks me “Do you want to go out to get Yogurt?” I said “Yeah why not”. I went to the car and I saw my cousins. I went all the way in my phone trying to see if anyone had talk to my friend. NO ONE, this was getting scary (for me at least). I told my cousins and one of them had the phone of one of my friend, friends. She call her friend and nothing the person didn’t knew anything about her. Then the other cousin of mine started laughing at me, because I was exaggerating the situation, and yes maybe I was but is better exaggerating the situation to not worry at all. My aunt notice that I was worrying a bit too much, so she said “Fine, we can go to her house, but fast” and she stop at my friend house. I ask her dad if she was in there, he said “Yes, I’ll call her hold on”. I felt so relieved when he told me that, because that meant she was fine. She came out of her house and explain that her phone didn’t work well the battery of her phone, and that she was getting a new battery on Tuesday. I told her that I was worried about her, and so other people because she didn’t answer the phone. After that I got home and told the other that she was okay. Then I realize that I was worrying to much she was save and sound in her house, but I know that even if I realize that, that I wasn’t going to stop worrying about my friends and that’s what make me, me I worry to much and they know it so…if they are okay with it why should I, and even if they aren’t okay with it I’m okay with because it’s what make me, me.

 

P.S. – Thanks for taking your time and reading hope you have a wonderful day or a wonderful night, and never forget be yourself. ;)  Hope To See You Again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Really Don't Understand.

I really don't understand. Why? Is there a reason for humans to have feeling? Why can't we be more rational, more scientific? I hate feeling like I'm worth less. I want to become more like a rational person, but how if all I do, I do it base in how I feel. 

Some people can control there emotions, and others can't, we can control when we are mad. When feel the need to punsh someone but we don't because we can control that feeling of anger, but...Can you control either when your happy or sad, no. We can't control how we feel; but we can control what comes with the feeling. 

Real question I have, can we control when we love someone, because love, for me is the fusion of all feeling mix together. Even the most rational person can't control love, with love comes jealousy that is a mix of anger and sadness. With love comes the butterflies in the stomach, that's been nerves, been nerves comes from happiness and excitement. Love is good and all, but when that love turns in to sorrow and every little thing that comes from sadness and anger. For me is the worst feeling ever because is not been sad or depression is worst than that,...Is been in a situation that you can't get out of. I trust the feeling will get out. 

Ps.: But it looks like my friend disagree with me. She says feelings are what makes us humans. It's what makes us feel alive. That's why we hurt each other's feelings are a part of life that we are supposed to live with....but she all so liked this sentence “We can't control how we feel. But we can control what comes with the feeling. 

Love?

Hey...Is me. I was thinking about feelings, and how we all feel the same but not the same at the same time. Is confusing I know, but that is love, and that's what I want to talk about today.



Have you ever wonder what love is. What love is for you? What love is for him or her? What is love for a scientist? What was love? What would it become of it? Sometimes I sit and think to my self, is love a ways of showing we care, or is a feeling that no one can or would understand. The definition of love is a variety of different feelings, states, and attitudes that ranges from interpersonal affection. For me that is a way of defining the word, but the word it self can't be define. Love can't be define just because all of us feel a different way of love. You may say love is the same for everyone but have you ever stop and think if every body is different would they feel different. Yes, we are all humans, with different thought, and if the feelings are in our head then why can't they be different. I really don't care if the feelings I have are different, to the feelings he has. I just hope I can understand mine and he can understand his feelings.

I discover that we feel love for everything that has a memory, that we put our heart to it. That moment when you meet your best friend(BF), for the first time in a long time, what comes to mind... all the memories you had together, the fact that you love her/him. I have so many friends and I love them all, some I love them more then others, but not because they are worth less, just because they have better memories with someone else, and I have best friends (BF's) and they are the people that understand me, that feel me, and I love them all, and I love the memories that I have with them, I wouldn't change them for anything in the world. And like everybody in the world, that had or has, a special person that they like. I have a special person that I like, he is sweet and nice but sometimes I just don't feel love for him, I feel different I don't know how to explain it, but I don't want him to be mine, I just want him to be happy, to tell me he is happy, to see his smile, and know, and yes sometimes I really want to hug him tight, and never let go. But we all have our entire life to look for that especial one, and sometimes if you stop looking, you can actually see more clearly.

And never be afraid to end up alone, because you should know that as long as you have friends, and Family(and when I say family, I don't mean blood relatives) you are not going to be alone.


Song for the theme: Adele-Someone Like you...
 I heard that your settled down. That you found a girls and your married now. I heard that your dreams came true......

My Bad:

Hey, my bad. I haven't post any thing in a few days, is that I have been busy with school, plus I'm going on a trip to Orlando, in March 10 until march 15, to see university's. In two years I'll be out of high school. That scares me a bit, but you can't stop time so, I think is better if you let time go and get prepared for whatever comes. When I come back I'll be talking a bit about my trip and how well did it go. Btw, I want to study graphic design, for all of you that don't know.

Well...see you Guys/Girls in a few days. Bye